Okay so this is one of those posts where I write straight from my heart to yours.
Just laying it out there. Not wanting to be so gut-wrenchingly honest, but it's what the Lord wants me to write, so here we go!
Over the past several weeks my symptoms have been in a huge flare up. No real relief at all. Maybe for a few hours every now and again. Always needing to lay down in the afternoons and for the most part feeling rather horrible.
"I" allowed how I was feeling physically to affect me emotionally in a VERY BIG WAY, just ask my husband! I can't even tell you how many times in one evening I would say to him, "I don't feel good", "I really don't want to do this anymore", "I just want to feel normal". Brian would always respond with, "I'm sorry, Baby", "I so wish I could make you better", "I'm praying for you".
Of course my emotional state affected me spiritually in a VERY BIG WAY.
Oh, I was still reading my Bible every day and praying, and most days I would get "something" out of my Bible reading. But some days it was nothing more than "going through the motions", and my heart drops just writing that because my greatest desire is to grow closer to the Lord each and every day of my life.
But "I" had allowed the way I was feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually to hinder my walk with the Lord and my growth in the Lord.
I could smile, give everyone the usual Christian "pat" answers and think all was fine, but inside I knew I was drowning!
Needless to say I was miserable ALL the way around.
I made it to church this past Sunday morning, which was a huge surprise to me and to Brian. Well I don't think he is ever surprised anymore when I suddenly announce, "Okay, I'm getting ready for church", after I adamantly declare on Saturday night that there's no way I will be able to make it on Sunday! He's learned to just go with the flow!
I awoke not feeling too bad and so off we went, but my "not feeling so poorly" didn't last too long. Before I knew it, the symptoms reared their ugly head and I was back to feeling terrible once again.
Okay hold onto your hat as I type this next sentence. And NO JUDGING allowed!
So now on top of feeling terrible, I was also mad at God. There I said it! I know none of you have felt that way EVER!
Here I was thinking to myself, well, not just to myself because I was making it very well known to God! He allowed me to get up, get ready for church, get to church and feel "half decent" just to be there for a few minutes to feel rotten?
Why would He do such a thing?
Isn't going to church a good thing? I mean why would God make it so hard for me to attend church? He knows how much I love to be at church. And isn't going to church a good thing? I know I already asked that question! I was really struggling.
At our church an invitation is given at the end of the service to give people the opportunity to trust Christ as their personal Saviour or go to the altar to pray, etc. Well I was still able to be there for the beginning of the invitation and I know why!
Our motto at our church for this year is "ALL IN". There are even white lights which sit on the communion table which spell the words "ALL IN". During the invitation, our Pastor turned off all the lights in the words of "ALL IN" except for the letter "I"! He then proceeded to hold it up and asked, "Do you have the peace of God in your life?" He said, "If you don't have the peace of God it's because of this letter" (the letter "I"!)
I could feel my heart pounding and the tears began flowing fast and furious.
WHY?
Well you see, I have been missing the peace of God in my life for quite some time. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have peace WITH God because of my personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ as my Saviour.
But because of focusing on me. Focusing on what "I" want. What "I" felt like "I" deserve. To feel well. To get some breaks from the symptoms. To feel decent. To be able to do all the fun things "I" want to do, etc., "I" had lost the peace OF God.
I was totally focusing on me.
On "I"!
Not caring what the Lord wanted for me. Not seeing the whole picture. Just seeing today. Just living in the moment and wanting the moment to be easy, comfortable and HEALTHY!
When I awoke on Monday morning, I was still feeling rough all the way around. I was listening to Pandora when I heard the song which I posted below.
Coincidence? I think not!
I've heard the song too many times to count, but this time, this time was different!
I HEARD the words like never before.
The song is about Paul and Silas in prison after being beaten. Instead of belly aching, moaning and complaining, they began to pray and sing praises to the Lord! The Lord responded to their worship by causing an earthquake to take place. In turn the jolt of the earthquake loosed everyone's chains and they were all set free! The jailer and his entire family trusted Christ as their Saviour!
The account of this is found in Acts 16:23-34
The most important part of the story to me is that when Paul and Silas began to pray, sing and praise the Lord, all those in the jail heard them.
People are always
watching and listening.
Whether it's our
praise
to the Lord
or our
complaining
against the Lord!
All of a sudden it felt like I got hit by an oncoming train going five-thousand miles an hour!
I had become so accustomed to complaining, murmuring and being disgruntled that it had completely overtaken my PRAISE TO THE LORD!
I felt so ashamed
Needless to say I spent quite some time just praising the Lord aloud for anything and everything that came to my mind.
"Praise ye the Lord. Praise the Lord, O my soul. While I live will I praise the Lord: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being."
Psalm 146:1-2
Reminding Him and myself that He owes me NOTHING and He already has given me His VERY BEST... His Son as my Saviour!
Is it always easy to praise the Lord amidst your trials, troubles and temptations?
NO!
But when you do, it's way beyond words the absolute peace the Lord brings to your spirit!
"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:7
LORD, I BLESS
YOUR NAME!
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May God Bless You,
Barb
Zebra4Jesus
March 23, 2017 at 7:26 amLove this! How many times my desires and wishes are so godly! I want my husband to be saved, I want my children to grow up with a relationship with me and God, I want to go to church so bad and finally get to an evening service but I miss so many, I want to be able to keep after the basics. I want to be a normal energetic mom and at least have a house that looks like I care rather than the house where people say I don't care And need to do better. And in all this I know I have this lovely relationship with Jesus! I trust Him and don't get overwhelmed for a large percentage of the time. But those other small percentage? Those moments I ask why God? How can I go on? What I'm asking is all good and godly. And He says, 'I know what you are going through. I'm with you each step. Trust me and be still. All those false accusations and hurtful words? Just forgive for they know not what they do. I am at work in your life. Keep trusting and others WILL see Me through you.' And what a blessing to rest in that! The peace In the midst of the storm!
Keep writing! I am so blessed!
Barb
March 23, 2017 at 8:33 pmOh my dear sweet friend and fellow zebra, once again your comment has blessed me more than you can even realize ❤
It's so comforting to hear from someone else who truly gets it!
Thank you so very much for sharing from your heart.
I will definitely be praying for the salvation of your husband and the other things you mentioned.
I'm thankful the Lord brought you into my life ❤❤
God bless you my friend
Linda
March 28, 2017 at 5:07 amAhhh, it's so easy for "I" to take centre stage! If I were in the position Paul and Silas found themselves in, would my response be the same - or would I get indignant, complaining to God? I'd like to think I would be praising the Lord! Praise is a huge antidote to self - He has done so much for us, and deserves our praise and thanksgiving. And in thanking & praising, our perspective does change! What a good reminder your words are, Barb, for all of us. Lots of love, hugs and prayers from over the seas. ( and an email will be on its way a bit later in the week!) ❤️❤️
Barb
March 28, 2017 at 9:36 pmOh YES my dear friend, praising the Lord is a great antidote to that self pity, me attitude! I just need to remind myself of that more often! You are SO RIGHT when you said that the Lord has done so very much for us and He DEFINITELY deserves our praise and thanksgiving!
Oh, I will anxiously look forward to your e-mail message. I know that I have been VERY slack in that area, and I hope that you will please forgive me.
Sending you lots of love, hugs and APPRECIATION your way.