Well, this is still NOT the post which I had planned to publish this week!
If you remember from last week, I had a post all ready to go, but God totally changed the entire thing. So I thought for sure that I would be posting it this week!
But nope, life interfered again, and, once more, the Lord rewrote a brand new post!
If you read last week's post I talked about the peace, strength and faithfulness which the Lord gave me to endure Brian being extremely ill. To assume the role of caregiver while still attempting to care for myself!
The only way to explain why I was not rolled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out and being non-functional was because it was ALL THE LORD working in and through me.
So what I assumed was going to be just a day or two in the hospital for Brian to get back on his feet ended up being a five-day hospital stay.
I know that's relatively short compared to the length of time some people are required to remain in the hospital.
But honestly it did not seem like five days.
It seemed like five YEARS!
This was the first time Brian and I have been separated from each other in a long time. The last time we were apart from each other was right after we got married. Brian was serving in the Navy and got shipped overseas for two months.
Yes, he was in a hospital which was only a "stones throw" from our house, but I still missed him.
You see, I could not go visit him.
I would have had to use my wheelchair if I chose to visit him. Which was not a vanity issue. I really don't do well riding in that chair on wheels! The bumping up and down and the constant movement messes with my already messed up head!
Plus neither Brian nor I wanted me at the hospital exposed to all kinds of germs which would make my already compromised body feel even worse if I happened to "pick up something".
It was VERY DIFFICULT being apart from my beloved!
We talked on the phone several times throughout the day, but it surely wasn't the same thrill I get every evening around 4:50 when I hear our garage door go up and my heart begins to pitter patter because I know my man is home from work!
I'd like to write that every moment of every day which Brian spent in the hospital, and as he is now at home recovering, I was, and have been, a super spiritual saint!
But if I write that, I'd be lying!
YES, I still was, and still am, walking in the strength of the Lord.
But I had my moments. Many moments.
I could certainly relate to Peter!
Peter did fabulous when he had his eyes upon Jesus.
When his focus was fixed on Jesus, Peter walked on water!
"And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus."
When I had my eyes upon Jesus, I was able to walk on top of the waves of the storm which I found myself in the midst of!
I had God's peace. His joy. His strength. Even in the midst of the raging storm which was all around me.
When Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and focused on the storm, what happened to him?
He began to sink.
"But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me."
The very same thing happened to me.
As soon as I stopped looking to Jesus and began to focus on the storm, I began to drown under the waves.
I began to question and doubt the Lord.
I had thoughts like,
"Lord, this really doesn't seem quite fair!"
"What if he doesn't recover?"
"Lord, I just can't do this one more hour, one more minute, one more second!"
"What if it's a lifelong illness?"
"Lord, we both can't be sick!"
The fear would overtake me.
The tears would begin to fall fast and furious.
I would feel forsaken.
But then I would hear the very same words which Jesus spoke to Peter when he took his eyes off of Jesus and had them upon the wind and waves of the storm.
"And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?"
Comforting but convicting at the very same time!
I know over the past week I failed my Saviour many times which totally breaks me heart.
I NEVER lost my salvation on the days when I failed my Saviour.
But I knew the "closeness" which I so cherish with my Saviour was lacking. I was sorely missing the very special "oneness" which I share with Jesus. I had allowed attitudes, wrong thoughts, fear, (SIN!) to come between He and I. But when I shared my heart openly and honesty with my Saviour. When I confessed to Him that I had messed up, our relationship was completely restored due totally to my Saviour's grace and mercy.
WHAT A SAVIOUR!
My beloved husband was discharged from the hospital on Friday, February 3rd!
After being poked, prodded, jabbed and stabbed, his final diagnoses was viral meningitis.
I was glad they finally had a reason for why he was feeling so very ill, however, there was nothing to be done for him since it is viral. The infection must work its way out of his system.
As I write this, Brian is MUCH better than when he arrived at the hospital on Monday, January 30th, but he still has a ways to go in his recovery. It's going to take time and prayer for him to get totally back on his feet.
A SPECIAL SIDE NOTE
If you read my post last week, you read about my friend of twenty plus years who was a tremendous blessing to me in so many different ways, one of them was coming to my house to pray with me. Well now she is in the need of prayer. Her husband is currently in the hospital waiting to have triple bypass surgery. It would mean so much to me, and even more to them, if you would please pray for both of them. Thank you so much for lifting them up before The Throne of Grace.
that no matter
what we face
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May God Bless You,