When God’s Answer Remains, “No”

"Hast thou
not known?
hast thou
not heard,
that the
everlasting God,
the Lord,
the Creator
of the ends
of the earth,
fainteth not,
neither is weary?
there is
no searching
of his
understanding.
He giveth
power
to the faint;
and to them
that have
no might
he increaseth
strength.
Even the youths
shall faint
and be weary,
and the young men
shall utterly fall:
But they
that wait
upon the Lord
shall renew
their strength;
they shall
mount up
with wings
as eagles;
they shall run,
and not
be weary;
and they
shall walk,
and not faint."
Isaiah 40:28-31

Okay, well, this was NOT the post that I had scheduled for today!  

In fact I am currently writing this late Monday evening and into the wee hours of Tuesday morning.  So if there are punctuation errors or typos, please forgive me!  But I KNEW that this is EXACTLY what the Lord wanted me to share.

As many of you already know I suffer from a chronic illness.  It's a complicated illness and extremely difficult to explain.  I have lived with this illness since 2002.  Of course like most chronic illnesses, it has progressed and gotten much worse as the years have passed.  However, the past three months have been exceptionally difficult with vertigo and dizziness, which are symptoms of my illness, but they have been worse than usual.

In light of the increase in these particular symptoms, Brian and I felt a trip to my specialist was in order.

This doctor did surgery on me back in 2005.  I had dehiscence of the semicircular canal.  WOW!  Are you impressed or what?  Simply put, on both sides of my skull I had holes in the bone which cover the inner ear.  

My doctor cut a small square in my skull, almost like a puzzle piece and then took the bone dust and made a paste out of it which he used to cover the holes, sealed it over with a very small titanium plate and proceeded to put the puzzle piece of my skull back in place!  Rather cool sounding, huh?  Or sounding more like something from a futuristic thriller movie!!

So our thinking was that possibly the patch work had slipped or maybe more holes had broken through and that was enhancing the vertigo and other symptoms.

My doctor sent me for a CT scan of my skull, which I will be talking about in a future post coming up soon!

I was beseeching the Lord with all my heart that the CT scan would reveal something simple that the doctor could fix and give me at least some relief.

Monday evening the doctor called Brian with the results.  I was sitting right next to him, so I could hear all that was being said, especially the first sentence, “Everything on the CT scan looks absolutely fine.  The patch work is still in place and there are no other holes in the skull."  As the conversation progressed he said, "In my thirty-five years of practicing medicine, I’ve never seen a case like this.  Barb is an anomaly.  There’s really nothing else I know to do.”

The tears began to fall as Brian continued talking to the doctor.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I am not some kind of perverted, "sicko" who was waiting to have her head cut open again!  I am just a tired, weary, worn out lady who was diligently looking for answers and desperate for relief.

YES, I am SO very thankful that the scan did not show anything serious.

Okay here I go bearing my heart.  I REALLY did not want to share all of this.  I wrestled with the Lord about it, but HE WON!  The reason being is that, once again, I am being totally transparent and making myself very vulnerable.  I'm showing you all what a spiritual wimp I am so often, instead of the spiritual giant which I so long to be for my Saviour.

After the news began to fully sink in, the discouragement and despair engulfed me.  The enemy was winning the war which was raging within me.  I was giving in to self-pity BIG time.

I looked at Brian and said in a very tearful and ANGRY voice, “But, I spend so much time praying for the needs of others.  I spend a lot of time praying for the salvation of people written on a long list whom I don’t even know.  I spend much time praying for others who are traveling and going on fun family vacations while I’m stuck at home.  I read and memorize God’s Word.  I spend time praising my Saviour.  I spend time writing in my journal.  Blah, Blah, Blah" 

I know.  I know.  I KNOW.  

Pathetic to the core.  Sinful, self-centered wickedness.  It truly made me nauseous just writing it out, let alone knowing that those EXACT words came spewing out of my own mouth!

Trust me, I don't do all that I listed above thinking that somehow it will cause me to find some special favor with the Lord and henceforth push me straight to the top of His “Yes" answer list concerning prayers.  

That would be down right ludicrous!

I TOTALLY enjoy every moment that I spend with the Lord.  It's ALWAYS an amazing time of fellowship.  It's a cherished and sacred time.  I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the TRUTH that because of my personal relationship with Jesus Christ that I have the honor and the privilege to talk to The Creator of the entire universe!

But in the heat of the moment.  In light of the news I did not want to hear, I was ready to turn my back on the God, Who, just a few hours ago, I was standing in awe of, worshiping and praising???  

Questioning the God Who sent His only Son to die on a cross for my sins so that I could be forgiven and live with Him in Heaven one day for ALL Eternity???  

I allowed the information of one single, solitary phone call to cause my heart to wander from the unfailing, unconditional, undeserving love of my Saviour???  

I was acting just like a spoiled little girl who did not get what she somehow thought she deserved.

Shame On Me 

But by God’s grace, I will get up tomorrow morning and do that very same praying.  That very same reading of The Word of God.  That very same practice of writing in my journal.  That very same praising and worshipping.  That very same standing in complete awe and reverence of my Saviour.  That very same sharing with others the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ.

And I will do it the day after tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that …

WHY?  

Because it's NOT about me and what I want in my life 

It's ALL about my precious Saviour and what He desires to do with my life

God owes me NOTHING!  

He already has given me the BEST GIFT EVER!

Eternal life through His Son, The Lord Jesus Christ! 

"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 

As the song says,
"When You don’t
move the mountains
I’m needing You
to move
When You don’t
part the waters
I wish I could
walk through
When You don’t
give the answers
as I cry out
to You
I WILL trust,
I WILL trust,
I WILL trust
in YOU!"

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May God Bless You,

Barb