When God’s Answer Remains, “No”

When God’s Answer Remains, “No”

"Hast thou
not known?
hast thou
not heard,
that the
everlasting God,
the Lord,
the Creator
of the ends
of the earth,
fainteth not,
neither is weary?
there is
no searching
of his
understanding.
He giveth
power
to the faint;
and to them
that have
no might
he increaseth
strength.
Even the youths
shall faint
and be weary,
and the young men
shall utterly fall:
But they
that wait
upon the Lord
shall renew
their strength;
they shall
mount up
with wings
as eagles;
they shall run,
and not
be weary;
and they
shall walk,
and not faint."
Isaiah 40:28-31

eagle photo
Photo by bnj646

Okay, well, this was NOT the post that I had scheduled for today!  

In fact I am currently writing this late Monday evening and into the wee hours of Tuesday morning.  So if there are punctuation errors or typos, please forgive me!  But I KNEW that this is EXACTLY what the Lord wanted me to share.

As many of you already know I suffer from a chronic illness.  It's a complicated illness and extremely difficult to explain.  I have lived with this illness since 2002.  Of course like most chronic illnesses, it has progressed and gotten much worse as the years have passed.  However, the past three months have been exceptionally difficult with vertigo and dizziness, which are symptoms of my illness, but they have been worse than usual.

In light of the increase in these particular symptoms, Brian and I felt a trip to my specialist was in order.

This doctor did surgery on me back in 2005.  I had dehiscence of the semicircular canal.  WOW!  Are you impressed or what?  Simply put, on both sides of my skull I had holes in the bone which cover the inner ear.  

My doctor cut a small square in my skull, almost like a puzzle piece and then took the bone dust and made a paste out of it which he used to cover the holes, sealed it over with a very small titanium plate and proceeded to put the puzzle piece of my skull back in place!  Rather cool sounding, huh?  Or sounding more like something from a futuristic thriller movie!!

So our thinking was that possibly the patch work had slipped or maybe more holes had broken through and that was enhancing the vertigo and other symptoms.

My doctor sent me for a CT scan of my skull, which I will be talking about in a future post coming up soon!

I was beseeching the Lord with all my heart that the CT scan would reveal something simple that the doctor could fix and give me at least some relief.

Monday evening the doctor called Brian with the results.  I was sitting right next to him, so I could hear all that was being said, especially the first sentence, “Everything on the CT scan looks absolutely fine.  The patch work is still in place and there are no other holes in the skull."  As the conversation progressed he said, "In my thirty-five years of practicing medicine, I’ve never seen a case like this.  Barb is an anomaly.  There’s really nothing else I know to do.”

The tears began to fall as Brian continued talking to the doctor.

Photo by Giacomo Carena
Photo by Giacomo Carena

Please don’t get me wrong.  I am not some kind of perverted, "sicko" who was waiting to have her head cut open again!  I am just a tired, weary, worn out lady who was diligently looking for answers and desperate for relief.

YES, I am SO very thankful that the scan did not show anything serious.

Okay here I go bearing my heart.  I REALLY did not want to share all of this.  I wrestled with the Lord about it, but HE WON!  The reason being is that, once again, I am being totally transparent and making myself very vulnerable.  I'm showing you all what a spiritual wimp I am so often, instead of the spiritual giant which I so long to be for my Saviour.

After the news began to fully sink in, the discouragement and despair engulfed me.  The enemy was winning the war which was raging within me.  I was giving in to self-pity BIG time.

I looked at Brian and said in a very tearful and ANGRY voice, “But, I spend so much time praying for the needs of others.  I spend a lot of time praying for the salvation of people written on a long list whom I don’t even know.  I spend much time praying for others who are traveling and going on fun family vacations while I’m stuck at home.  I read and memorize God’s Word.  I spend time praising my Saviour.  I spend time writing in my journal.  Blah, Blah, Blah" 

I know.  I know.  I KNOW.  

Pathetic to the core.  Sinful, self-centered wickedness.  It truly made me nauseous just writing it out, let alone knowing that those EXACT words came spewing out of my own mouth!

Trust me, I don't do all that I listed above thinking that somehow it will cause me to find some special favor with the Lord and henceforth push me straight to the top of His “Yes" answer list concerning prayers.  

That would be down right ludicrous!

I TOTALLY enjoy every moment that I spend with the Lord.  It's ALWAYS an amazing time of fellowship.  It's a cherished and sacred time.  I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the TRUTH that because of my personal relationship with Jesus Christ that I have the honor and the privilege to talk to The Creator of the entire universe!

But in the heat of the moment.  In light of the news I did not want to hear, I was ready to turn my back on the God, Who, just a few hours ago, I was standing in awe of, worshiping and praising???  

Questioning the God Who sent His only Son to die on a cross for my sins so that I could be forgiven and live with Him in Heaven one day for ALL Eternity???  

I allowed the information of one single, solitary phone call to cause my heart to wander from the unfailing, unconditional, undeserving love of my Saviour???  

I was acting just like a spoiled little girl who did not get what she somehow thought she deserved.

(license)
(license)

Shame On Me 

But by God’s grace, I will get up tomorrow morning and do that very same praying.  That very same reading of The Word of God.  That very same practice of writing in my journal.  That very same praising and worshipping.  That very same standing in complete awe and reverence of my Saviour.  That very same sharing with others the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ.

And I will do it the day after tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that …

WHY?  

Because it's NOT about me and what I want in my life 

It's ALL about my precious Saviour and what He desires to do with my life

God owes me NOTHING!  

He already has given me the BEST GIFT EVER!

Eternal life through His Son, The Lord Jesus Christ

"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 

As the song says,
"When You don’t
move the mountains
I’m needing You
to move

When You don’t
part the waters
I wish I could
walk through

When You don’t
give the answers
as I cry out
to You

I WILL trust,
I WILL trust,
I WILL trust
in YOU!"


If you have been helped by this post and think it could be helpful to someone you know, please share this post on the social network of your choice for me.

All you have to do is click one of the buttons below.

May God Bless You,

Barb

11 Comments

  • Kelly Kulas

    June 22, 2016 at 8:11 am Reply

    Barb thank you for sharing your heart. Praying for you and Brian. Your words always help me Barb.

    • Barb

      June 22, 2016 at 11:17 am Reply

      Kelly, my sweet friend.
      Thank you so much for your ongoing prayers for Brian and myself.
      Thank you as well for your words of encouragement.
      You are a tremendous blessing to me.
      I am SO VERY THANKFUL that the Lord brought you into my life.
      Sending you loads of hugs and love ♡♡♡

  • Lynn Severance

    June 22, 2016 at 12:10 pm Reply

    Barb - thanks for your transparent post. I have many many memories of being evaluated and having doctors say, "There is nothing we can do, your case is too complex." or other times, "All looks fine." As you just experienced, there is a gratefulness when we hear that "all is fine" meaning within the complexity of what we are dealing with, nothing "new" has shown up. And yet in our humanness we long for their to be relief esp. when our symptoms escalate. (( Hugs ))

    I am often in Isaiah 40 but I'd direct you to Isaiah 40: 3-5 for that is where "I live"!!
    All your praying, all our prayers for others and ourselves, all our cries (and there is no condemnation in being human) are preparing the wilderness where we have been asked to live for God's eternal purposes. No prayer is wasted. No time of agony is wasted when God is our focus. There is so little we understand - but He does. When we are at our weakest, then He can be our Strength and it is his glory that will shine through.

    Love you - Lynn

    • Barb

      June 23, 2016 at 9:26 pm Reply

      Lynn, my treasured friend,

      Thank you SO VERY MUCH for your VERY encouraging comment. I admit that I have reread it several times!

      And the best part about your comment is that you TOTALLY understand in more ways than one. It means so much more when words come from someone who "gets it"

      I LOVED when you said, "No time of agony is wasted when God is our focus". Such HOPE and TRUTH in that statement.

      Thank you for being a tremendous blessing in my life.

      I love and appreciate you, Barb

      • Lynn Severance

        June 24, 2016 at 12:55 am Reply

        Thanks for the "thanks", Barb.
        And thanks for your amazing birthday card that popped out of my real mailbox it was so full of JOY!!

        Today I was reading in one of my devotional books about Peter when he walked on the water and how his gazing elsewhere had him shaking and quaking and losing his grip so I got reminded too about "focus". I lose mine so often and need lots of reminders!!

        (( Hugs ))
        L.

  • Linda

    June 24, 2016 at 4:25 am Reply

    A big hug first of all, dear friend. As I read the outcome of the phone call, my heart broke for you. There is so much we don't fully understand isn't there. There have been hard times in my life where I have had big questions and been momentarily angry at God in the midst of the pain. But I realised very quickly - as you did, and have so beautifully expressed it, God owes us nothing and has given us the ultimate gift. I often didn't get an answer to my questions but chose, and still choose, to acknowledge that He has not changed, He is still Who He says He is - a Father who loves us unconditionally, who walks through each day with us. Oh, Barb, again how I wish I could be there to share our joys and our tears - and to worship our God in the midst of both. Love you and continue to pray.

    • Barb

      June 26, 2016 at 12:17 am Reply

      Oh my dear friend, your comment brought such comfort to me. Like a balm to my weary soul. As I was thinking about the news that night while I was laying wide awake in bed, I thought of you! I was going to email you, but I was totally worn out, and I worked on this post until 2:30 Tuesday morning!

      Thank you so much for understanding and for reminding me that I'm not the first person who has not understood the Lord's ways, and I certainly won't be the last!

      Oh, I, too, wish so much that we could share our tears and joys and worship together in person. But I do feel your love and your concern and your prayers and your hugs and our oneness in Christ even if it's across many miles.

      I thank God for bringing you into my life. You are such a great blessing to me.

      I love and appreciate you more than I can express, Barb

  • Barb

    June 26, 2016 at 12:05 am Reply

    Lynn, so glad you received the card and that you found it full of joy! I loved how you said that it popped right out of your mailbox! It's a shame to me how far we all have drifted away from written letters and sending REAL cards. That's one of the reasons why the card ministry is such a great blessing to me!

    Oh, yes Peter! He did so well while his eyes were fixed on Jesus, but as soon as he noticed the storm, he paniced and began to sink. Oh, how that rings so true to my ears. But I do give Peter great credit because at least he was willing to step out of the boat!

    Sending you loads of love and hugs, Barb

    • Lynn Severance

      June 26, 2016 at 12:23 am Reply

      Yes - a real card means lots. One of my joys is going to my "real mailbox" each day and if anything is personal it is such a good feeling! I used to do better with sending real handwritten correspondence but not as much anymore. Your card ministry is a treasure to many. xo L.

  • Will

    July 4, 2016 at 10:42 am Reply

    Once again, we'll done...but you're wandering around in my head again lol. This topic is in my queue. Thanks for the reminders to persevere. It is truly helpful.

    • Barb

      July 5, 2016 at 4:17 am Reply

      Will, thank you my friend for your words of encouragement! It's always a blessing to be encouraged by a friend, and especially from a friend who "gets it"!

      I admit that, yes, I have been taking little peeks inside your mind. I needed something interesting to write about ... LOL!

      God bless you my fellow traveler on this journey of life, Barb

Post a Comment